Domestic Abuse in Christian Marriages- Bug Out Plan

I’ve known a few women who’ve worn their abuse like a sort of perverse “badge of honor”, as if it proved them to be  more courageous and somehow spiritually “righteous” by staying in a horribly abusive marriage. This can be a weird sort of pride and spiritual masochism, and it’s not conducive to the wife’s own spiritual growth, or…that of her abuser, who may view his wife/ victims staying in the marriage as a sign she deserved the abuse. Only when the woman gathers the emotional and spiritual sensibility to remove herself, and get out, can she begin to heal and move forward in her own spiritual growth.  And now,  with his victim removed from the scene of the crime, only then is her abuser able to get the memo that he needs to start looking within himself, not her, as the source of his problems.




Women, you are not doing your spouse any favors by allowing this behavior on the part of your husband to continue by staying with him indefinitely! On the contrary, there is a good possibility that you may need to get out of God’s way and allow Him to deal with your abusive husband. Many a good wife has found herself in the middle between a man and God and what God is trying to accomplish in that man’s life, and by refusing to leave finds herself getting hurt! And….God will allow it if that’s what she decides to do!

This is not being selfish on the wife’s part by leaving a serial abuser. It amounts to taking an active part in changing her life, and that of her husband…even though she may never choose to go back into the marriage.

Often men have no motivation to change until a crisis occurs. The “crisis” may have to be that of his wife removing herself from an intolerable situation… leaving him.  However, the object here is not to make a move in order to “change” one’s husband, it’s a matter of being safe,  spiritually, emotionally and physically. An abusive man, after all,  is unstable in all his ways.

Can a verbally abusive man suddenly turn violent? You had better understand that yes, of course he can. But know this as well, that verbal abuse can be just as bad or worse than physical abuse. Just ask any woman who has experienced it.



I’ve recently had a friend tell me, “Well, God hasn’t told me to leave”. I’ve tried to reason with her. But, after all, it is her marriage and she’s going to have to be the one to make decisions about whether to stay or to leave.  After 22 yrs of marriage to this man, it’s not likely that suddenly he’s going to see the truth of what he’s doing in a bolt from the blue. And, what he has been doing is telling her that she’s the one who is mistreating him! Eaten up with self pity, he lashes at her verbally saying the most cruel and downright viscous remarks. He not only orders her around like his personal slave, treating her like a dog, but then accuses his slave of being the one who is inflicting pain upon him.Keeping her on a never ending emotional roller coaster.

It’s simply crazy, and I fear for her. I will talk to her more and try to get through her spiritual “church conditioning” that has instilled in her that she “submit”, no matter what,  to ask her if she believes God hasn’t told her to leave, if that means he has told her to stay, by this supposed silence on God’s part. Maybe, just maybe, God is leaving it up to her.

I really believe she is listening more to her conditioning than she is hearing from God.


When an abused wife starts thinking of suicide as a way out of an abusive marriage, it’s already past time to make an exit and get some help! Leaving is not a sign of failure or weakness.

” And as they sought to stone Jesus, He went through the midst of them.” Jesus is the Savior, not us. We can’t “save” our spouses. If we have somehow found ourselves in an abusive relationship or marriage, we need a spiritual bug out plan. 





Counseling Christian Women on How to Deal With Domestic Violence

More in our series Christian Women and Domestic Violence


This book takes a very real look into the lives of Christian women who cope with domestic abuse on a daily basis. It explores their experiences of physical,verbal,emotional,sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse at the hands of their perpetrator husbands who claim themselves to be good Christians. Through extensive interviews combined with academic research, the reader comes faces to face with the complexity of issues surrounding such domestic abuse and how counseling can be effective through the encouragement of a variety of religious and non-religious coping strategies.

Of interest to victims of domestic abuse, as well as to the members of the clergy, psychologists, and counsellors, Counseling Christian Women on How to Deal With Domestic Violence shows there is a place in the Christian church for women to separate and to be divorced without losing their faith.