Now, in the case of my girlfriend, she has been in crisis for the past year, because of her abusive husbands increasingly wild and abusive verbal behavior. This distressing behavior has escalated since his retirement last year, and he can hang around the house and point out to my friend that she is the cause of his misery and unhappiness.
However, things have taken a turn for the worse in the last month and a half when he started threatening suicide. This panicked my friend who tried to reason with him and beg him not to hurt himself. He seemed to like that. So, then he dusted off his old hand gun and began waving it around and pointing it at his head, and screaming at her, “I’m going to do this right in front of you so you can watch”….and “You don’t think I’ll do it, do you”. Mind you, this was a loaded pistol he was brandishing, not a wooden spoon.
Unfortunately, my friend continues to live in the home. As a Christian, she is reluctant to leave the home in spite of my advice and her own children’s advice that she needs to. Where serious verbal abuse has gone on for a number of years, with no change in sight, it’s time for a separation in my opinion setting some boundaries, along with a lengthy time limit for the abusive party to change… or no deal. Letting him, know, that without change there will be no reconciliation.
But in the case of threats with loaded guns, that indeed is a deal breaker and time for the abused party to get out of Dodge. My friends abusive spouse, remember, has accused her of being the cause of his misery and the guilty party. However, when she says she will leave, he hauls out the gun again and says if she leaves he’ll shoot himself. Huh? How does that work? If he hated her that bad wouldn’t he be glad when she left. No, it’s all manipulation. And it’s what’s called the “cycle of violence”.
Right now, he’s settled down and is mild and gentle as a little lamb. Docile and hasn’t lifted a trigger finger in the last week or so. I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten any SOS calls from her as I usually do when he’s on a rampage. Today I found out why. He’s sick. Yes, he is sick and my little friend has been nurturing him back to health with comfort foods and lots of TLC and prayers. So that he can what? Be physically healed so he can go on his next rampage.
It’s so predictable with these two, and nothing is going to change unless she makes the move and leaves the house, when he’s not looking, and before he gets a chance to haul out the gun again.
The moral of this story for any of you women going through this cycle of violence is that abusers won’t change as long as they have an enabler, or a strong reason to change. That will not happen with you in the house still buying into threats and feeding them chicken soup and comfort food, playing in to their manipulation.
What this abusive man needs is serious repentance and giving his life to the Lord Jesus Christ. Not mental “therapy” per se.